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<title>Am I My Captain's Keeper? by Idle_Hans</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850351">Am I My Captain's Keeper?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idle_Hans/pseuds/Idle_Hans'>Idle_Hans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Epistolary, Gen, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:02:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,085</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850351</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idle_Hans/pseuds/Idle_Hans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter to Tony Stark.</p>
<p>No, not that one.  A different one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>280</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Am I My Captain's Keeper?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/15855621">I was angry with my friend</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartonsofcartoons/pseuds/Cartonsofcartoons">Cartonsofcartoons</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <hr/>
<p><b>Author's note, 9<sup>th</sup> October 2020:</b> This update is just a minor edit to fix a typo.</p>
<hr/>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mr Stark,</p>
<p>Am I Steve's keeper now that you're not?</p>
<p>I know that you were, 'cause I saw that look in your interviews and public statements when you were all a team together — you were tired, and worn, and always having to make excuses for him and smooth ruffled feathers.  I saw that same look on his Ma's face all the time.  I tried to help her when I was a kid.  I pulled him out of fights when I could, and when I couldn't I helped him win 'em.  'Cause his Momma didn't need those bills every time he got hurt too much.  She had enough of them from when he got sick so much.  Then she got so worn out that she got sick herself and died.  And then there was just me to keep him out of trouble after that.</p>
<p>Then the war happened and I got drafted.  I remember telling people instead that I enlisted, Stevie included.  Don't quite remember why I did it.  Maybe so they'd feel better about it, that they'd think it was my choice to be fighting.  Only my parents knew the truth, that I was scared out of my wits.  But a bit of me was happy that for a while Steve wouldn't be my problem.</p>
<p>Then the 107th got captured and we ended up in the Kreischberg prison factory, and I ended up on a table in Zola's laboratory.  When Stevie showed up, all tall and strong and got me out of there I was so happy I could cry.  I didn't tell the Army what had been done to me beyond answering direct questions, but they filled in the blanks.  Enough of the other guys knew the same as what I'd known about that lab ahead of time, that when someone was taken down that corridor the only thing that came back were the echoes of screams.  And I sure did a lot of screaming on that table.</p>
<p>So the Army offered me a ticket home, and I wanted to go home so badly.  I so wanted to go back to Brooklyn and my Ma &amp; Pa &amp; Becca, and that job at Stark Industries that Howard offered me one day right out of the blue.  I was on leave you see, and I had a day to kill and I went to his workshop 'cause it was the most interesting place in London if you liked stuff like that, and I did.  Like it, that is.  He was working on something that really needed two sets of hands, but one of his assistants was ill, and another was on an errand, and I don't know where the third one was, so I rolled up my sleeves, put on one of his work aprons and helped.  And just like that he said there was a job waiting for me when I got back from the war, if I wanted it.  I said thanks and put it out of my mind, but the next time he saw me he said that my job offer was now on permanent record at the New York office in case I got back but he didn't.  That's how I knew he really meant it.</p>
<p>So now I've mentioned your folks, Mr Stark, it's well past time I said that <span class="u">I'm</span> <span class="u">sorry</span>.  I'm so ashamed for how I repaid your father's kindness.  Without your dad Steve could never have liberated Kreischberg.  People forget that.  And I never knew your mother but I know there's no way in hell she deserved to die like that.  None of them did.  None of the people I hurt and frightened and killed deserved it.  Not even the ones who were bad enough that they deserved to die.  'Cause that's not why I killed them.  I killed them 'cause after They got finished breaking me in, I did anything I got told to do, no question, 'cause I was so afraid of what They'd do to me if I didn't.  It was bad enough when I obeyed.  I know you've had similar, in Afghanistan.  But you didn't break.  I did.</p>
<p>I've repented of what I did.  God knows I've repented.  But I know I'm gonna burn anyway.  Some things you don't get forgiven for, and I did them.</p>
<p>I so wish I'd gone back home.  But there was Steve Rogers there in Italy.  And he was big and strong and a Captain.  Captain America no less.  I never did figure out if he'd actually made that rank for real, but everyone acted like he had, even Colonel Phillips.  And Stevie talked about how glad he was not to be a dancing monkey anymore and how he was gonna be fighting Hydra from now on and how he wanted me to be his second in command, and I thought Oh God, he's gonna need me to keep him outta trouble again.  'Cause if I don't he's gonna get himself killed and his men too.</p>
<p>So I lied through my teeth and told the Army I'd like to stay and join Rogers' commando group, and then I was fighting again.  It was clear from day one that Steve had no training beyond boot camp, but we all owed him 'cause he got us outta that prison hellhole.  So we never showed him up.  The guys and I got really good at 'understanding' his orders in ways that made sense, and repeating them back to him in ways that put better ideas into his head.  It worked, sort of.  He did learn.  We actually got to trusting him not to get us killed most of the time, but I never got to trusting him to know to how to pick his fights.</p>
<p>And then I fell from that train, and Stevie flew that plane into the ice.  And now we're both here together in .... where we are now.</p>
<p>When the skyships went down in Washington D.C., I escaped from Them.  Finally.  And I started to remember who I was.  But you'll notice I didn't go to find Steve.  Even without SHIELD it looked like he had keepers.  I ended up in Bucharest instead, hoping to find a quiet life.  </p>
<p>Well, you know what happened after that.</p>
<p>So back to my question, Mr Stark.  Am I Steve's keeper again now?  'Cause I know it's not you now, and I don't see anyone else stepping up.  But I'm not sure I can .... be any good at it anymore.</p>
<p>
  <em>J.B. Barnes</em>
</p>
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